“Because women who were raised in families where there was a lot of emotional stress and responsibility, what they feel good about and what they feel bad about have become entangled, confused, and ultimately one. Robin Norwood is an expert therapist. She identifies certain patterns of thought and behaviour in women as a result of problematic childhood situations — “loving to much”. The author examines the characteristics of the women in question, the men who are involved (usually addicts or alcoholics), childhood experiences that have shaped the women’s psyches and cultural influences (media, norms and values). The author traces the characteristics of this type of woman, along with the role played by men in this dysfunctional dynamic (usually addicts, alcoholics and damaged), as well as conditions from childhood that shaped their psyches. Norwood examines healthy and unhealthy relationships through cass studies.
She offers a 10-point self-help plan to help women addicted to “toxic” love, i.e. women who judge the extent of their love based on the intensity of their pain. She argues for the importance of self-love and healing to overcome destructive, loving behaviours. This will help you build meaningful, healthy relationships. Norwood presents a Freudian explanation for childhood traumas (emotional neglect, deprivation, etc.). Norwood argues that this maladaptive perspective on love (often manifested by a “crushing addiction” in adulthood) is rooted in the denial of love by parents, primary caregivers or in abusive situations. As a result of inner loneliness, the severe emotional hunger manifests in a desire to recreate and repeat the trauma.
For example, a child who has undergone surgery may “reenact the trip to the hospital using dolls or other toy figures, and make himself/herself into a doctor in one drama, and a patient in another, until there is a sense that he/she has finally mastered this experience”. In the case of a child undergoing surgery, the play activity may be to “reenact a trip to the ward using dolls or toys. He may then become the doctor for one drama and the victim in another. This will continue until there is equanimity in the fear. Women who are in love with themselves too much relive painful experiences to learn from them. The book stresses the importance of loving yourself instead of loving others to the point of hurt, so that love is not tainted.
Women who are able to accept, grieve and forgive the past can build lasting relationships where their needs for nurturing will be met without abuse or pain. Our childhood struggles should teach us to become more than we were – “Victors, not Victims”. I was able to relate to Trudi’s case, a 23-year-old woman married to an alcoholic who had a cold and distant personality. Trudi suffered from low self worth because she was raised in a dysfunctional environment where her parents were emotionally distant and did not show much warmth. These issues were very familiar to me and brought up many defense mechanisms that I used to get through the perceived ordeals. The patterns of denial I had been using to mask my pain and anger were also revealed when I evaluated myself and my past from the perspective of a third party. I struggled to look at love in a healthy manner and would often confuse obsession with love (“Nice Men are Boring”).
The deeper wounds that I found were the result of emotional starvation, and my primal need to be nurtured. This book has helped me to understand myself better. It made me realize I have to let go of the people who denied me love when I was in need, and I also had to remove the anger I felt towards my parents because they did not do things right. When I read about recovery, another thing that struck me was the importance of forgiveness and grieving the child in all of us. To heal, I must first heal myself. Then, I will be able to help others. The world isn’t ending, so it’s okay to not feel everything. The subtle moments are when life shows its true beauty. I should be able to recognize them more easily. All these women taught me to believe in myself and accept the love I deserve. Love that hurts is not real love.
There is a thin line between being selfless and tolerating abuse from a partner. This includes those struggling to overcome childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment (physical or emotional) by parents/caregivers, as well as women with issues of self-worth, prone to “give too much” too quickly, or needing a crisis to function normally. There is a fine-line between being selfless and allowing abuse to occur. Phrases I’d use again and again:
” To feel alone is to experience the pains of past and present. “
“We listened for fear of the consequences if not, and of losing love in the event we did not fulfill the role that was prescribed for us. Our parents did not shield us, but we also failed to protect ourselves. “
We don’t know ourselves very well, but being involved in drama keeps us from having the courage to find out. “
“We use the obsession we have with men to avoid pain, emptiness or anger. Our relationships are like drugs that we use to avoid what we feel when we stay still. We use a really bad relationship to avoid feeling what we would feel if we stayed still. “
“An addiction that is being practiced is not looking for someone to get him well. It is looking for someone safe with whom he could stay sick. “
